She took a shaky breath, her fingers tightening around mine like she was afraid I might disappear if she let go.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t leave because I didn\u2019t want you,\u201d she said, voice barely above a whisper. \u201cI left because I thought I was protecting you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words landed wrong. They always do.<\/p>\n
My dad shifted in his chair. I felt it more than I saw it \u2014 the tension, the weight he\u2019d been carrying for nearly two decades.<\/p>\n
\u201cProtecting me from what?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they were wet, but steady.<\/p>\n
From me,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
The machines hummed louder in the silence that followed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was sick,\u201d she continued. \u201cNot physically. Not then. I had severe postpartum psychosis. The kind they don\u2019t talk about enough. Hallucinations. Delusions. I was convinced I was dangerous to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
My chest tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey wanted to put me on medication immediately,\u201d she said. \u201cBut I refused. I told myself I could handle it. I couldn\u2019t. I started having thoughts \u2014 terrifying ones. Thoughts about hurting you without meaning to. About losing control.\u201d<\/p>\n
The night after you were born, I begged the nurse not to leave you alone with me. I begged your father to take you. I knew if I stayed\u2026 something awful might happen.\u201d<\/p>\n
looked at my dad. His eyes were glossy now.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe didn\u2019t abandon you,\u201d he said quietly, finally speaking. \u201cShe ran because she was terrified of herself<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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